This past week, I was very privileged to provide the music for two memorial services. That's a mark of a great week to me, because as a hospice music therapist, using music in this way is a part of the job. It also happens to be one of my favorite parts of the job. People are often surprised to hear me say this, so without further ado, please allow me to explain the top 5 reasons I enjoy this so much!
1. My Own Closure
While I try to keep one eye on the on-call updates from the nurses, and it is always my policy to offer a visit if my patient is actively dying, the reality is that I don't always get the opportunity to tell my patients goodbye. Sometimes their dying process moves in a way no one is expecting and I don't get the opportunity to tell them one more time how much our client-therapist relationship has meant to me and what an honor it was to serve as their therapist. I don't always get to say I will miss them and remember them. Being asked to provide the music for their memorial service meets that need for closure for me. It gives me one final task to complete within the context of that therapeutic relationship.
2. The Family's Closure
Having a member of the hospice team, such as the music therapist, or the chaplain, facilitate some aspect of the memorial service assists the grieving family with an element of closure, as well. In hospice, the family is my "patient," too. The whole hospice team builds relationships with the family as we journey with them through their loved one's end of life. The family realizes they are going to miss their wonderful nurse coming to see them, and just how much they had been leaning on their social worker or chaplain in the days, weeks, or months prior to their loved one's death. Having a chance to tell their hospice team goodbye is good for the family, too.
3. An Opportunity for Grief Support
I'll be honest - I never memorized my multiplication tables and my dancing abilities are suspect at best. However, one of my personal and professional strengths is sitting comfortably with the grief of others. My social work friends may know this concept as "leaning in" or "holding space," for others. For me, it is my ability to show up with an open heart and non-judgmental compassion and simply BE with someone else's grief. This is a strength of mine that I am not afraid to embrace, and it's not a skill I get to use as often as I would like to. Being involved in the memorial service gives me a chance to function professionally in a way I find deeply fulfilling.
4. Precious Gems of Insight
There is something extremely surreal about getting to know a person even better after they have passed away, but it is also deeply gratifying. I LOVE getting to see more pictures of my patients when they were young and to hear their close loved ones reflect on their life. It deepens my sense of awe and humility that I am allowed to accompany these incredible individuals through the final miles of their journey. I cannot say enough about how much I treasure every insight into someone's life I gain by being present at their memorial.
5. Bringing Beauty
There is a reason humans offer one another flowers in times of unspeakable sorrow. Sometimes the best and only thing we have to offer to one another is the gift of something beautiful. Most people bring flowers to memorials for this reason. As a musician, first and foremost, I bring music. It is my hope than an experience with something beautiful will help soothe some of the ache that is felt with each loss of a human life. Musically, I take the music for a memorial service VERY seriously, because high-quality music is a precursor to anyone having a transcendent, healing, aesthetic experience. Whenever possible and appropriate, I also invite those in attending to make music WITH me because shared music making is one of the most healing, transformative, and connecting experiences available to humans.
So, there you have it! The top 5 reasons I love providing music for memorial services! If you also find yourself providing this service, please sound off in the comments and share your reasons with me!
